#throwbackthursday Back in highschool where I actually made an effort for my hair to look nice and before I got contacts #tbt
I’m getting really sick of going from extreme highs to extreme lows in my mood. Monday was the 1 year anniversary of the worst day of my life. Not going into detail but I spiral into terrible panic attacks just thinking of what happened on that day.
Tuesday was the greatest day of my life and thinking back on that day makes me smile so much that my cheeks hurt. I feel more connected to one of my favorite bands and get to talk with them more and for once I feel super appreciated as a fan. I glad that they know I’ll never stop supporting them. I go from feeling so included in the fan base to feeling completely alienated for no reason. I go from being noticed to being invisible. I over think absolutely everything and my anxiety is literally controlling everything I do now.
It was so bad today that I had a meltdown over wires. WIRES! Who the fuck freaks out over wires?! Yep that’s me.
We also got new remotes for our TVs (the source for the new wires in my bedroom) and the texture on the back of them is different and it freaks me out so much that I can’t touch them.
Even now, I’m cutting out large details just so that I don’t seem like such a complete basket case. I am lucky to have one friend who understands this indescribable feeling that I can’t control the things I think and how I react to them.
I’m terrified to let others get to know me because I know I’m weird, but I don’t want them to know what I struggle through each day because I don’t want to come off as weak. When I’m comfortable with someone, I can have SO much fun, but then I let down the wall and let myself have a panic or anxiety attack around them and I can’t even imagine how fucked up that must look to someone who has never had one.
The worst day of my entire life happened a few weeks ago. Specifically, April 15th, around 3:00am. I felt completely helpless, practically paralyzed from the worst panic attack of my life. I couldn’t talk, my throat was swollen so my breathing was weak, I was shaking so bad I thought I was gonna die. What killed me the most was the look on my friends face who watched me lay on her bathroom floor. The sheer horror in her eyes not knowing what to do with me. Not knowing if I was actually having some sort of seizure or if I was going to pass out from my scarce breathing cycles. I feel my throat swelling from my anxiety just rethinking that night over again.
This night still haunts me over a year later. Even after experiencing the greatest day of my life that made my cheeks hurt for almost 3 days straight. A day that had me dancing around work for no reason. A day that even puts a smile on my face right now just thinking about meeting 3 of the greatest guys that I might ever meet.
How is it fair that one night can ruin my trust in everyone?
Yeah I deal with General Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Purely Obsessional OCD, Social Anxiety, and 3 extreme phobias, but I’m still damn proud to have made it alive this far.
I’m just waiting to find more people like me because I’m sick of feeling alone and crazy.
It’s about damn time I got to meet these wonderful guys <3
i remember way too many small details about people so i have to act dumb sometimes so i don’t freak them out
Been planning this tattoo for quite a long time now. It shows my love and dedication for my favorite childhood movie, A Goofy Movie. Hope to add more onto it once this bit heals up. Joel from Golden Needle in Minnesota did a fantastic job.
things i am scared of doing:
- ordering food in a restaurant
- walking down a busy high street on my own
- talking to people on the phone
- eating in front of people
- asking for help in a shop
- meeting new people
- being in a big crowd of people with a lot of people i don’t know
the future looks bright for me
Surprisingly, perfectionists are often procrastinators, as they can tend to think “I don’t have the right skills or resources to do this perfectly now, so I won’t do it at all.”
My entire educational experience summed up in one sentence.
My entire life summed up in one sentence.
thug life more like thUGH life